


My Jackass

by Babyphd



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Drama, Gen, Remorse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:34:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27514657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babyphd/pseuds/Babyphd
Summary: Spoilers: “Third Day Story”, “In the Room”	 Abbey’s POV ‘On a plane heading to Beijing’Previously published on FanFiction
Relationships: Abbey Bartlet & Jed Bartlet





	My Jackass

Jackass. My Jackass.

I just hung up talking with Millie. Thank God she’s on Air Force One with Jed.

He did something right for a change. I didn’t know until a few minutes ago that he invited her along for the trip. He must have had an idea that something might happen for him to do that.

Well, of course he did. He knows his body better than I do. It’s just that sometimes he doesn’t listen to what it’s telling him. Then I have to tell him what it’s telling him.

But the stress of the last few months has been ungodly unbelievable. The summit that no one thought would happen. The back and forth at Camp David. The long nights of talking to each side. Diplomacy at its best.

And then the stress of the fight with Leo. And that was what it was. The biggest blowup in forty years of their relationship. Oh sure, they have always had words with each other. They would fight like friends do. One would get mad and not speak with the other for days or weeks at a time but always one would break the silence. There would be an apology and they would act like nothing had ever happened between the two of them. 

But nothing like this time. Nothing where Jed felt like he had to end a relationship that both men thought would go on forever. Would go until they both died. That’s the problem when a relationship is both personal and professional. Over the years in the White House they had been able to separate them. For the most part. But during the lead up to the summit and at the summit I noticed a change in their interactions. When they had interactions. Of course, I didn’t know the details until afterward but I knew something was really bothering Jed. I chalked it up to the tension between the Israelis and the Palestinians. But now I knew that Jed and Leo had had intense disagreements about the need for the summit itself. And then, at Camp David, Jed had fired Leo. As usual, Jed just pushed his emotions about it down deep. That didn’t do his body any good either.

It had to tear Jed apart. He had kept it to himself. Wouldn’t even share it with me until afterward. Then the overwhelming guilt came when Leo had the heart attack and wasn’t found for hours. And if Leo had died, then only God knows what would have happened to Jed. Maybe he would have had a heart attack himself. Even my reassurance that Leo’s problem with alcohol, pills, and smoking had caused more damage to Leo’s heart than anything Jed could have done did nothing to relieve the guilt.

And then the intensity of trying to get ready for the summit placed on top of an already packed schedule. Trying to train a new Chief of Staff. CJ is good but she has really big shoes to fill. And Jed will try and take on things that Leo would have normally managed. It’s just his way.

And let’s not forget my part in all this. I’m just as guilty as everyone else here. After Leo was discharged, I fell back into using my schedule as a mechanism to avoid dealing with my feelings toward Jed. His constant absences. His false promises that he would do better just as soon as this or that would be over. Thing is, there was always a this or that.

So, I used my favorite technique. Avoidance. I shut him out when he probably needed me the most. And I probably wasn’t as observant over these last few weeks as I could have been. Usually I can pick up the subtle signs as they develop. But we haven’t had time for each other. I guess I was a part of that. We just ate our dinner making small talk, read the briefing papers in our briefcases, and went to bed. Hell, I wasn’t even there for Zoey’s birthday party. I was already in India. I didn’t like it but that was the only way the schedule would work. Zoey understood. She is an adult and she has been very understanding these years in the White House but I wasn’t very happy. Jed said he would be there to help her blow out the candles but as a mother I would have liked to be there as well.

I love my husband. I really do. And as I soon as I get to him, I will let him know that. Of course, after I give him a piece of my mind for not telling me about his symptoms. We have been through this over and over again. We are a couple. Have been for almost 40 years now. And as a couple we share things. We SHARE. We tell things to each other.

I knew how much this summit meant to him. Especially with his Presidency coming to an end in the next year or so. He wants it for his legacy. Legacy, smegacy. Does what I want mean anything? I want the man. I want the man I married. I want the man to come back with me to the farm to enjoy however many years we have left together. I hope these last eight years have just been a blip on the radar of our lives.

I want many more years before this horrible disease robs me of him. I’m selfish. And I’m not afraid to admit it. I guess that’s why he didn’t tell me of this newest episode. He knew exactly what I would say. He knew I would want him to delay or even cancel the trip and he couldn’t take the chance. He knew he wouldn’t hear the end of me nagging if he told me the truth so he didn’t speak at all. He kept silent, hoping against hope that what he felt was either false or wouldn’t develop further. Well, babe, you lost that bet.

I just hope the symptoms Millie told me about are the worst of them. She knows how to handle this ‘headache’. With rest and steroids, they could go away by the time Air Force One lands in Beijing and he would be able to have the summit he wants to have.

Oh hell, the phone is ringing again. It’s Air Force One. What’s wrong now?

I need to get some sleep. But how can I with my husband paralyzed 30,000 feet above the Pacific insisting the plane continue to China and not return to the United States? Is he crazy? Well, I better not answer that. He’s right that he has two doctors and probably an infirmary that’s as equipped as good as a hospital on the plane with him but what if?

Damn! Why do I have to be a physician now? I know what could happen. That paralysis could continue upwards and he would have to be placed on a ventilator. Flying high above the Pacific and the President of the United States unconscious and can’t breathe on his own… makes a hell of a story doesn’t it? And I can’t do a single thing about it.

This plane is above the Bay of Bengal, heading toward Beijing, and will arrive in about four hours. His plane won’t arrive for at least seven. Seven hours for his world to change, for good or for bad. Same for me.

CJ sounded frustrated. Well, welcome to my world CJ. You don’t know frustration until you have lived with Josiah Edward Bartlet as long as I have. But then you don’t know the passion either. He really is a good guy, when he wants to be. But right now, he’s scared. He knows what’s happening to his body is not good. He knows the next step can knock him out. Truly knock him out.

I desperately want to talk with him. But if I spoke to him now, I’m unsure that we could keep our voices calm. We would either yell or cry. I would hope I could encourage him to hang on, to give him the hope he needs to have faith that this is only a temporary setback. That he will get better. That he will make it to China and have his legacy. But I don’t know that I can do that right now. I’m not sure which way I would end up. On one hand I’m furious at him. But yelling at him will do no good. On the other hand, all I want to do is hug him and have a good cry. And let him cry too. Oh, not in front of CJ or Toby. No way. Never in front of his staff. He’s too proud a man for that. No, just him and me. Just the two of us.

I wipe the tears that fall. But are they tears of sadness? Are they tears of fear? My mind doesn’t know. My mind is just too confused right now. Oh God, please tell me what’s going on with my husband right now. Give me the ability to see over the miles and into that plane. I want to call but I know Millie has her hands full. I trust her skills and knowledge. I have known Millie too long, personally and professionally, not to trust her now with my most important possession. My husband.

Wait, what am I saying? Jed is not my possession. Just as I am not his. I am tired. We are not each other possessions. We are part of each other. We are whole only when we are together. And we have been that way since we married that day long ago. When we are apart, we are never whole. That’s why these past years in the White House have been so hard. The separations, sometime very lengthy, made us less than whole. Most of them, of course, were either Presidential or First Lady related trips where the other couldn’t or wouldn’t come.

But then there were those trips that I ran to the farm as a means just to get away. Like when Zoey was kidnapped and I thought I had to get away from Jed to heal. Until Leo called and told me how it was affecting Jed. And affecting how he ran the country. When I got back, I realized the harm I had done to my husband. To the man I married. And in time, we healed. Healed together.

He is my heart. I am a part of his. That’s just how it is. When I try and explain it to the girls, they just look at me like I’m crazy. I know few people have what we have. Liz and Doug thought they did until Doug…I won’t even think about what he did to my sweet child and those sweet grandchildren. How could he? And Ellie and Vic? It’s really too early to tell. They are still in the infatuation stage. They have a long way to go before they have what Jed and I have. And Zoey, she’s still a child. Yeah, her age says she an adult but in love, she’s still got a lot to experience. Only time will tell if she gets a man like her father.

The phone is ringing again. It can only be from one place. Do I really want to answer it? Do I really want to hear Millie tell me more bad news? What if the worse has happened? What if…? My hand hesitates. I take a deep breath and finally pick up the handset. Good news or bad news, I have to know.

Okay, He’s better. It may not last but we’re over this hump. This plane is about to land. He’s three hours away. I can’t wait to see him for myself. I have to get my act together. How do I do that? If I am his wife, I would probably lose it and it would not be good for either one of us. So, I will be a physician. As a physician, I will be calm and business like. I can ask questions and give directions. I will be a wife later.

Jackass. But he’s my jackass.


End file.
